Today I am embarking on a new fitness journey… I’m starting the 21 Day Fix.

I have been so anti-Beach Body programs for the longest time. Yes, they work if you eat well along with the exercises, but sometimes I very much feel like it’s a cult filled with Shakeology shots, bragging about your personal development as though those of us who don’t read it are the sinners here, and sweaty post-workout selfies.

I’m at the point in my weight loss journey though where nothing has been working. When I first started about five-ish years ago, my diet was much worse than it is not… or so I think. I was working out nonstop, training for 5ks and 10ks, teaching Zumba, then hanging around the gym to take a second class. I’m still running, but I’m also older and I felt like I needed something to push me a little further.

For the entire summer, I’ve been weighing in right around 195. After Boston and Atlantic City, my weight, as of this morning, is 201.9. I always swear to myself that I will never see the 200s again and now it’s time to change.

We ordered the 21 Day Fix a week or so ago and just got it on Wednesday. There was a definitive meltdown as I started meal-planning, overwhelmed by a mix of colors, numbers, and containers. I was irritated with myself for wasting $75 on a frustrating program that was teaching me what I already knew and was taking an hour and a half to plan out two days worth of food. I had to walk away from it until Saturday when I’d had time to chill out and realize why I needed to do this.

I need to do this because I am tired of feeling like crap from what I’m eating, from overeating, from poor nutrition.

I need to do this because I am tired of feeling lazy. I haven’t gone for a run in two weeks.

I need to do this because I am tired of making excuses. My personal favorites? I did this once, I can do it again. We’re starting on Monday, might as well eat an entire bag of M&Ms.

I need to do this because I want my confidence back. I feel good about myself at any weight, I really do. I know that I have more going for me than just my weight. However, I feel like when I’m working out and eating healthy, I feel this extra boost of quiet confidence that makes me feel like I can take on the world.

I need to remind myself of this because as I write this, I’m realizing how much I freaking hate eggs with mushrooms and spinach and am choking down my breakfast, forcing myself to eat my omelet like a little kid before I can eat my berries.

Oof.

Here goes nothing, friends.